Whatever You Do, Don’t Make Eye-Contact

The following is merely one possible explanation for observed phenomena.  It is not to be taken as the Chihuahua’s actual opinion.

Cracked ran an article, “6 Things Men Do That Science Says Turn Women Off“.

The most bizarre one, to me as a female, was “acting interested.”

Yup.  Science says that’s a turn-off.  Why?

Well, as a member of the involved gender, here’s my take on it:

You (the guy) are in some sort of situation with lots of people you don’t know.  Sex is a possible outcome (if Robert Brockway is to be believed, that’s just about anywhere).  You’re looking to hook up with someone.  Who do you talk to?

Yes.  The pretty ones.  Because physical attractiveness is the only available metric.  So you go over to talk to a woman.  Why are you talking to her?  Because you find her to be physically attractive.

Now, what was the other item on Cracked’s list?  Oh, you know, the one about not complimenting her looks?  Acting interested in a woman is a tacit compliment.  What’s so bad about complimenting a woman on her appearance?  There are two possibilities.

A)     You actually think she is hot which, as I just explained, she already knows you think so because you’re interested in her.  Saying it out loud is even worse—what, do you think you’ll get points because the only thing you know her well enough to compliment her on is the way she looks?  As Cracked has pointed out, that knowledge is totally not (usually) a turn-on.

B)      You don’t think she’s hot, but you want her to think you think she is.  You lying, manipulative bastard.  You’re just here for the sex, aren’t you?

There is no possible reason (other than sex or social awkwardness) you could have for complimenting a woman you’ve just met on her appearance.  None.  It doesn’t contribute to the conversation.  Hell, it doesn’t even start a conversation.  It tells you nothing about her, and her nothing about you.  It doesn’t establish a shared interest (unless she’s a narcissist, in which case you’re probably not up to her lofty standards), or highlight your sparkling wit, or even set you apart as  [insert here the type of man she’s looking for, unless she is a narcissist, in which case my previous comment stands].

“I think ducks are nice” is a better conversation opener than “You’re so damn pretty” *, and as conversation openers go it’s pretty bizarre.

So let’s recap.  Complimenting a woman on her appearance verbally or otherwise is a no-no, unless you’ve gotten to know each other well enough that she knows you respect her on multiple other, deeper levels.   If you’re having trouble with this concept, just remember that a compliment like that makes a frelling poor conversation starter.

So what’s to do?  Well, stop trying to meet women in situations where it’s painfully obvious that you’re hoping for a one-night stand.  As the article has pointed out, that sort of thing only works out for douchbags.  If you are a douchbag, congratulations, yo’re already well on your way to getting laid.  If not, then try joining a club, taking a class, or having friends find dates for you.  These type of situations come with built-in conversation starters, even if all you’re talking about is how much of a jerk your mutual friend is.

*Thanks to step class, I always misheard the next line as “if I had a type then maybe it would be you”, which always struck me as a really wishy-washy, roundabout way of saying, “Let me fuck you.”  But then he goes on to say that, anyway, which leads me to conclude that he was running out of synonyms for his one prevailing theme.  Speaking of, have you seen the music  video?  Frelling bizarre, right?  The prevailing impression I get from it is that he was setting himself up as some sort of tortured incubus figure.  Oh, if only these human females would stop throwing themselves at me, maybe then I could resist my nature and settle down in an emotionally fulfilling, mutually monogamous relationship with less time spent boating around Europe have having orgies. Orgies are so damn boring.

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